On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
