i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
