hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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