Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
