Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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