Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
