Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
