Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
