Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
