She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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