Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
