update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
