Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Randomize
