hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
