i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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