He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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