i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
