Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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