I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
