saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
