nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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