saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
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