So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize