OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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