I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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