I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Randomize
