I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
