Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
