sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
