...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Hippo gnu deer
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
