my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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