We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
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