Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
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