i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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