Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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