oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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