I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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