saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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