Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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