Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
