it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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