Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
