The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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