my sisters under your porch take her home
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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