"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
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