just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
