i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
