so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
