Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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