I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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