If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
