seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You dont lie about slip and slides
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize