Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize