You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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