First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize