i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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