Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize