There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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