he thought i was a dude.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
