it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
